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Guestbook Webrings |
 Welcome to my little page of scattered thoughts from the demonic voice inside of my head, who goes only by the name of Korkru. Right now I'm working on revamping the page, so things may be a little screwy - bear with me. If you don't, then you will be hurt... Korkru's Thoughts
You know, it never ceases to amaze me how life can always throw what you're not expecting at you at just the right time. After all, our lives aren't screwed up enough as it is, and all the sudden life decides to go hyper-dynamic on your ass... a complete 180, everything you think you know is wrong, everything you thought was wrong is right. Yep, it never ceases to amaze me. Like, I've been sorta depressed lately. Not like real depressed, like you dress in black and try to kill yourself. As in, just sorta down. And it's never any one thing that contributes to it - it's all the little things that you thought you could count on that come back and rape you up the lowest oriface. School, friends, family, work, play... none of them are immune to life's little amusements, at our expense. So there's never anything you can count on, nothing and no one that you can trust - it's a very paranoid and very scary system. Like, today, I saw a friend from high school at college. Now, we weren't great friends, I'll admit that. But he totally ignores me - not even a hello, after he looks me straight in the eye. Nothing and no one. And the worst part is, once you realize this one of life's many darker truths, you start to believe in it, and you get sucked deeped down into the depressive mood. If there's no one and nothing you can trust, that means you're alone, all the time. And why bother to keep going if you're alone? And the answer to that is the key to our lives - because there's no one static answer - it varies for everyone. For instance, a common solution is that you look for evidence that you don't have to be alone - love. Of course, another one of life's truths is that love is pain, but I'll talk about that another time. What's my solution, you may be asking? Hope that maybe just this once I'm completely wrong. That perhaps even if I must go through life without trust, there are others who can finally find it. But maybe I'm just a fool...
Recent Korkru's Thoughts
The Lost Korkru's Thoughts
Well, I've found someone that even Korkru thinks is evil, but doesn't like. Yes, that person is my older younger brother, whom we shall refer to as... James. You see, he used to be a good kid, which is only slightly repulsive to Korkru. But now he's become a druggie, and druggies are the biggest waste of human flesh that Korkru has ever seen. Because at least the good people care about being good, and the evil care about being evil. But the druggies don't care about anything except for being stoned, high, drunk, or whatnot, and that is wrong. My brother became one of these people, and now the police know everyone in my house by name, and they often come here for information when they need it. At any time. Ding dong, 6:30 in the bloody morning, cop's at the door. Where's Michael Chapman (name changed to protect the not-so-innocent)? They have this huge fricken manhunt for this kid. God only knows why, he's nothing but a pain in the ass. If I was his mother, as soon as he disappeared, I'd have locked the dorrs and changed the locks. But I digress. The Szkotak name is now well known to the authorities, which threaten's my very existance - or not really. But I do respect the cops - they put up with more shit than I could, and they do it with relative grace and sharp wit. Like, said person above, Mike, they found at this druggies house. Now, there's this new woman cop, pretty hot, she brings him back to his house and mother. Cop looms over the kid, looks around the house, says "What's wrong with this house?" The kid replies... "They abuse me" in a small tone. The cops just looks at him, at the mother, and smirks. She goes, "Naaah, they don't beat you." Korkru laughed his ass off at that one. Of course, the kid isn't beaten. But then the cops asks again, "What's wrong with living here?" The kid goes, "I don't like all the fucking rules!" Okay, now we're getting somewhere, right? Wrong. "Like waht sort of rules?" "I can't stay out all night." Well no shit Sherlock, you're fricken 14, and you expect to stay out until 4 in the morning. Lay off the fucking drugs you bitch. You know, the emulation scene has to be one of the most deluded and convoluted things I have ever come across. If you don't know what emulation is, and you own or have owned any console system, you should be shot. Why do I say this? Well, let's just take a small look at some of the things that present themselves when perusing this scene... Okay, the first thing you might notice is that all these emulation authors are doing it to learn, and not to help other people play roms. Now that is a crock of shit. What the hell do they think their stuff is going to be used for? Oh, I'm sure a small amount of people study the open source emulators out there to learn, but let's face it - 99% of people interested in emulation want to play games. And the programmers of these emulators know this - if they didn't want people playing games on them, they wouldn't release them, plain and simple. Of course, companies can't do squat about it legally, cause it makes to much sense to make emulators illegal so that emulation and rom distribution goes down... that requires too much thought. The other great thing I love about the emu scene is no one seems to know the rules. You'll see rom sites that say "you must delete this within 24 hours...", which is a total crock of shit. It's one of those urban legends, except this one doesn't deal with murder or sex, it deals with emulation. Another common one is "If you own the cart, it's okay..." Um, no? It's only legal if you're making a backup copy. Which makes no sense to me anyway, cause you can't get it back ON the cart, so why bother? Really, I think the Supreme Court, or even better, Sony, Nintendo, Sega, and the emulation authors need to sit down and say, okay, here's what's legal, here's what's not. After all, if I were a game company, I'd be a hell of a lot more worried about games being pirated in Taiwan than games being played on an emulator. Besides, the computer is the ultimate gaming machine - few size limits, fast equipment... after all, the PSX cd-rom is only 2x, my CD drive is 48x... which do you think will have the better loading time? Anyway, I think this whole emulation mess ties back into the idiocy factor. Everything does, the idiocy factor is the answer to human life. On a brighter note though, said op from yesterday's thoughts no longer has his op status. And what happens? People start harassing him. You know, let the man fall from grace in dignity, he's already suffered enough losing his ops, which he won't live down (trust me, he won't). And then people have to go and attack him again? Hmmm, maybe it isn't a brighter note... You know, the idiocy factor of humans never ceases to amaze me - one you think that everything is okay, someone, somewhere, will screw it up, inevitably. Case in point - esper.net, IRC. If you don't know what IRC is, tough. Go look it up. Anyway, so I was in #rpgamer, and there's this op named Elone. Major asswipe, I'm not sure why he's even an op, seeing as how you have to work at RPGamer (check the links when they're up) to be an op, and to my knowledge he was fired. Anyway, so he starts being a bitch, and starts this whole confrontation. And this is far from the first time. The thing that pisses me off is that #verge, well known to be the worst room on esper.net, is badmouthed by people on other rooms. Especially the bigger ones. But from what I can see, they're no different. I see the people of #rpgamer planning, and doing stupid stuff, the same as the #verge people. I see the corruption of the ops, and the idleness of ops - these people are supposed to be keeping order? They're in no way qualified to do any such thing. I realize that not all of them are bad ops, and most of them are good people (Chibi/Elone being the exception). I just don't want to see the same thing happen in #rpgamer that has happened in #verge - and I know it will. I lived through it when I was a #verge regular, and now I'm living in again. The lesson here, of course, is never to discount the idiocy factor of humans. No matter how good something is, there will come along someone who will try, and more than likely succeed, to screw it up. God damn people to hell. Well, I've figured out something about humans as a species, which I find most amusing... you see, humans always must deviate from the optimal lifestyle - it's the way our pathetic little brains are made. Everything else in nature lives optimally - natural selection and all that. And that works fine for them, because no creature is as "intelligent", and I use the word only because I have to, as humans. So what then is our utopia, our optimal lifestyle? Well, you can look at the from the social sciences point of view - optimally our government would be a true democracy spread around the world... everyone has a vote on all issues. So if I didn't like the fact that we're bombing Kosovo, I can vote no. None of the representative democracy bullshit - there was a time for that, but that time has passed. On the economic side, I would have to say the optimal is communism. And before you say anything - communism is ONLY an economic theory - go read Marx before you try and argue this with me. Everyone shares thier skills with everyone else. Of course, if you don't develop skills, or you don't practice them, then you don't get anything in return. Afterall, I'm not advocating laziness. But, are we ever going to reach those ideals? Hell, no. Humans are stupid, by far the worst creation by whatever deity, or lack thereof, you believe in. Yet another reason why we should give up, kill everyone, and hand the planet over to whatever's next on evolution's list - the insects or something. After all, mammals failed, amphibians failed... that's who I guess would be next... Well now, I feel that I must, as a matter of principle, talk about today's subject - women's gymnastics. Now my question about this sport is that are we men not supposed to be looking at their tight little asses? Because if we're not, I'll stop. It's not like I'm some 40 year old sicko though - they're all around my age. You know, I think that those suits would be a perfect place for advertising - you know, like they do in racing. Pepsi put up an ad there, and boom! Instant 10% increase in the market. I mean, come on! What man could avoid it? I think that women's gymnastics was invented just so men could watch those girls. I was watching some gymnastics contest today, and I was yelling at my TV because this hot chick got a low score. I've never screamed at my TV before because of a sporting event. Basketball, baseball, blah, blah, blah. But this... well, enough ranting. I just must say that Korkru likes women's gymnastics. I was recently thinking about fate and destiny, and what the difference between them is. Some people may say they are the same, but I have to disagree. Everyone however, understands the concept - some higher power predetermines the events in your life. My problem with this is that I don't believe everything is predetermined, just the major things - this is destiny. These things are meant to happen, and do happen, no matter what you do. Fate, on the other hand, is the little thinigs - determined by what you do in life. The possibilities of date branch out like a tree, while destiny is immutable. People theorize that there are infinite possible universes, each one dealing with a branch in the tree of fate. But I think this tree is formed from destiny - the world would be drastically different if Germany had destroyed Britain in WWII, but not much so if I go to the bathroom now or later. Only these major focal points in history, like WWII, lead to branches in reality. Of course, I am willing to believe many focal points are invisible until they have already passed, and even then maybe some still remain hidden. Anyway, enough philosophy, and I'll be back tommorrow with more thoughts. Yup, that time in my life has come - I've graduated high school. Not like it's any big accomplishment - I know some pretty unworthy people whom have graduated, so really I don't hold this in too high a standard. But I've graduated, and so I thought I'd talk about the next thing - graduation parties. You though I was going to say college didn't you? Read the Lost Thoughts - I already wrote about that once... Well, I've attended - Korkru counts on his fingers, all 17 of them... - 6 or 7 so far. I can't recall exactly. Anyway, so I walked to one on Saturday. Believe me, it wasn't fun, and I have a massive sunburn, and it took an hour and a half to get there, and I'm still getting over it. Anyway, so when I got there, the strangest feeling came over. At first I dismissed it as the hesitance I feel before entering any social event - something that is often banished within five minutes. But the feeling didn't go away. I felt like everyone was staring at me. What I finally realized was that the feeling I was having was that I felt I was not fitting in. Not that I don't like the girl whose party it was, but it seemed like I was... well... like a flaw in a piece of furniture. Anyway, so I wondered why this was so. I think it was the company, but I'm not sure. Anyway, I have to go, so this ends... now. You know, I talk about all sorts of strange stuff on here, and yet I've never once mentioned my friend Jeff. Quite honestly, I don't know why - he would fit on this website quite well. Anyway, so his first unofficial contribution to my site is the system that me and him worked out about how much people hate their families. Now, some people are at the neutral point - which I have arbitrarily named Indifference, or "I". This means they don't adore their family, nor do they hate them, they just accept the fact that they exist. Now, going from low to high hatred levels, the first level of hatred is... Hatred ("H"). You don't actually like your family - at all. You would be happier if they would just leave you alone - but they don't. Next is Loathing ("L"). Loathing is beyond Hatred by an exponential power. You would be much happier if your family was dead... seriously. Finally, the highest stage which Jeff and I can quantify is Denial ("D"). In this case you deny you have a family at all - you were born from spores or something cool like that. If they talk to you, you ignore them completely, or even better, ask them who they are. Just to reiterate, we have on a scale: (More positive)<-I---H---L---D->(More negative) Anyway, so that is my thought for today. Have a nice day, and don't go beyond D, it could be a scary place, even Jeff doesn't know... You know, I was thinking, which is always a hazardous pasttime,
and I realized something about the worlds that we live in - at
least half of it is a lie or deception or illusion of some sort.
That's right, 50% of it. Now, this isn't an observation that I
just came up with off the top of my head - I would never presume
to do such a thing... okay, maybe once or twice... or three
times. But that isn't the point. Just when you think you have the
world figured out, it does a complete 180 and you're back at
square one, not knowing up from down or left from right. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but if you suddenly had a vision like this, that everything you thought you knew could be a lie, wouldn't you be? I heard it from one of the girls going - it was an offhand comment, and I don't really see her much during the day, so I can't make a judgement about her. But the other three - I see them every day. No, I saw them every day. Now that school's over, I might never see them again. I've known two of them for four years. Four years! You think over that much time some sort of friendship-honor-trust thing would have been built up. But I digress. I'm getting angry, and when that happens... well, let's just say I don't let it happen. Not ever. So I say fare thee well until another day, and write me if you know anything about what is going on (not that you would, but hell, I didn't, and who knows who else does...). Good night. I was thinking about something that I saw a few days ago while I was still in school. You see, there was this movie we were watching in Chemical Analysis (the stupidest class I've ever taken) called Mindwalk. I had never heard of it before... Monday I think it was, until Ms. Spaulding (my teacher) showed it to us. A scientist on a sabatical, a politician, and a poet are talking about the world, and the scientist is trying to explain to the politician how the world works - fat chance. Anyway, she said something that struck a chord inside of me, and I just realized that I knew what it meant. What she said was that "meaning is not made by definitions anymore, it is made by relationships" It wasn't until yesterday I truly understood what she was saying. I have this friend... I'll call him Steve. We are pretty good friends, but that won't last - he's going to Cornell, and I'm going to a community college (don't laugh - I know where you live). Lately though, he seemed to have changed - he was acting differently, almost strangely. I at first dismissed this as the normal reaction to leaving high school and going off to college, but as I began to think about it, that explanation made less and less sense. Then I realized his attitude was changing because of who he was hanging out with. He is/was (long story) going out with this girl I'll call Colleen. She is in a different social circle than I am or he was (before he went out with her). But gradually he is becoming part of her circle (and her friends'), and leaving mine and my friends' circle. And in accordance with this change in social status he is adopting a new attitude. And this is what the scientist lady meant - meaning is made by relationships. Steve isn't Steve because he is Steve, but because of who he associates himself with. I have to wonder though, if the same change could be seen in me? Anyway, that's too much writing, and writing requires too much thought. You know, I was thinking today, and I think I finally realized my lot in life - to see what really is, and not what society has deemed it to be. It just came to me a few hours ago, which would be technically yesterday, and I saw that I can see all of the social restraints that people put on themselves. At least I can see the conscious ones and some of the unconscious ones. And I can act free of these restraints that I see. Just a few thoughts. You know someone who is annoying. You must. There are people in our lives who exist just to be annoying. I began to think over how many people I know of that annoy me, and the list is staggering. But one particular person comes to mind. She happens to be extremely smart, but she is so... annoying! So we were outside for a fire drill (...yay...) and we started making fun of something she said. "I wrote about that too!", she had exclaimed, and for some reason this came off as annoying to me. So Phil, Jason, and I just started making fun of her. Don't ask me why, I just don't know. But I do know words to describe her... pansy-assed. That's right, you heard me. Pansy-assed. It gets to a point where I want to kill her (see previous Korkru's thoughts), however I know I only have to live with her annoyance factor for two more months. Perhaps there are gods after all... Korkru was thinking, which is always a bad thing. Korkru was thinking about television, and how crappy many of the shows are on TV. My question is this: don't these people watch the shows they are producing / putting on the air? I mean, if I was making a show, I'd at least watch a version of it on a tape or something before I put it on trial. But some of the shows on TV today... man do they suck! And they think they can fool you by putting the crappy shows between good shows. Case in point: Just Shoot Me. The show is awesome (all 'cause of Spade). When Seinfeld goes off the air, they are moving it to the 9pm slot. Why? So they can stick some piece of crap show between them. It doesn't work, we all know the show still sucks. I think they know that fact as well, and they know we know, but they have to try anyway, because otherwise no shows would become good. See what I mean? Korkru is sleepy. No thoughts today. Good Night. Korkru doesn't like to admit it, but Korkru had a moment of happiness. Yes, that's right, Korkru was happy. And so that is what I want to talk about - happiness. I know, it seems stupid, but bear with me. You see, it all started Thursday, and maybe that is why I didn't update the page until today (actually, right now it is 1 a.m. Easter morning). I began to think, what if I could be happy all of the time? How would my life be different? I think it would end in me shooting myself. Quite honestly, only the knowledge that it can only get better has kept me from sinking into massive depression. I think to myself, "Well, today was another crappy day, but it can only get better". And usually it does, culminating with a day like Thursday, when everything seems to go right. And it is the days after those that I begin to be depressed, because I know that, just like the crappy days, there is only one direction my life can go in - down. But enough of this talk, have a merry Easter, those of you who celebrate it, and I am going to bed. Now. Well, I updated the Angel of Death page again, the progress is going slow with school and all. Which brings me to today's topic, which happens to be college. Now I don't know about any of the other high school seniors out there, but I for one am so sick of hearing about "college this" and "college that". Stop talking about god damn school! I like learning as much as the next person, and probibly more, but SCHOOL IS NOT LIFE. Blah, blah, blah, I got into Harvard. SMACK! I don't really care! It's as if everyone has nothing more to say to each other than to repeat for the fifth or sixth time where they are or are not going to college. I can't stand it! KORKRU DOESN'T LIKE IT, KORKRU MUST KILL THEM ALL SO HE CAN GET PEACE AND QUIET... pardon me, but I got a lit-tle out of control. It won't happen again... today. I've decided to start rambling about one subject or another everytime I update the page, so here's my topic for now: murder. My thoughts on this are that everyone has seriously contemplated killing someone. Don't deny it, the Dark Phoenix Korkru knows all. I have, but of course I throw chairs, so I don't count. Everyone has someone on this planet who annoys them to no end; life would just be better without them. Murderers have accepted this, and are willing to face the punishment for killing. Most of us on the other hand don't wish to go to jail though, so these thoughts just bubble in our heads. Now, I'm no expert, but this can't be good for you. I say that everyone should get to go to a place where they can kill people whom have done wrong, like Manson and O.J. That ain't cruel and unusual punishment either - it's justice. Life for life, death for death. Write to me about what you think: just make the topic "Korkru's Thoughts - Murder" and send it to me. |